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Jokes
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive
her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached
their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was
talking to God."
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There was a university in New England where the students operated a
"bank" of term papers and other assignments. There were papers to suit
all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student
suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade,
B grade and C grade.
A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his
assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard one he
took out a paper for an inconspicuous C, retyped it and handed the work
in.
In due course he received it back with the professor's comments "I wrote
this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it should have had
an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"
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Daily Groaner
*-- Q and A Quickies --*
Q: What is a mummy's favorite kind of music?
A: Rap!
Q: Why don't mummies take vacations?
A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q: What do you get when you cross a teacher and a vampire?
A: Lots of blood tests!
Q: What does a wolf say on Halloween?
A: "Happy HOWLoween!"
Q: Why doesn't a witch
wear a flat hat?
A: Because there's no point in it!
Q: What's a vampire's favorite part of the guitar?
A: The neck.
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Bizarre News....
*-- Lawsuit: Man awoke
from surgery in pink panties --*
DOVER, Del. (UPI) - A Delaware man's lawsuit alleges he awoke from
anesthesia after a colonoscopy procedure to find he had been dressed in
a pair of pink panties. The New Castle County Superior Court lawsuit,
filed by attorney Gary Nitsche on behalf of Andrew Walls, 32, said Walls
was employed by the Delaware Surgery Center in Dover when he underwent a
colonoscopy procedure at the facility in 2012. Nitsche said his client
was put under anesthesia during the procedure and he awoke after surgery
to find someone had dressed him in pink women's underwear. "When the
plaintiff initially presented for his colonoscopy he had not been
wearing pink women's underwear and at no time did the plaintiff
voluntarily, knowingly or intentionally place the pink women's underwear
upon himself," the lawsuit states. Jennifer Anderson, director of the
Delaware Surgery Center, declined to comment Wednesday. "We just found
out about this yesterday afternoon," she told the News Journal. The
lawsuit, which also names the Eden Hill Surgical Group of Dover, alleges
Walls suffered "severe emotional stress," and Nitsche wrote his client
is seeking compensation for mental anguish, lost wages and loss of
earning capacity.
*-- Alleged drunk driver thought jail was a bar --*
PAW PAW, Mich. (UPI) - Police in Michigan said an alleged drunk driver
pulled into the county jail parking lot and thought she had arrived at
another bar. The Van Buren County Sheriff's Office said the 39-year-old
Hartford woman, whose name was not released, pulled into the county jail
parking lot just after 2 a.m. Sunday and was seen trying to convince her
boyfriend to get back into her vehicle. Deputies said the woman smelled
heavily of alcohol and a breathalyzer test indicated her blood alcohol
content was more than twice the legal limit of .08. Police said the
woman admitted to investigators she had been out drinking at a bar and
she had believed the parking lot was for another bar. The sheriff's
office said the woman is expected to face drunken driving related
charges.
*-- Man apologizes for
double 'wet Willy' on policeman --*
MANKATO, Minn. (UPI) - A U.S. Airman on leave in Minnesota said he was
"sorely mistaken" when he "thought it would be incredibly funny to give
a police officer a wet Willy." Riley Louis Swearingen, 24, of Goldsboro,
N.C., pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor disruptive intoxication charge
Monday in connection with a Saturday incident involving the defendant,
two moistened fingers and both of a Mankato police sergeant's ears.
District Judge Kurt Johnson heard Swearingen, who is visiting Minnesota
while on leave from the Air Force, as boarding the "drunk bus" after the
downtown bars closed early Saturday, when he decided to carry out a "wet
Willy" prank when he spotted a uniformed police sergeant. Swearingen
licked a finger on each hand and then inserted them into both of the
sergeant's ears, the court heard. Cmdr. Jeremy Clifton said Swearingen
was immediately arrested. A charge of assaulting a police officer with
bodily fluids was dropped in exchange for Swearingen's guilty plea. "I
thought it would be incredibly funny to give a police officer a wet
Willy, to which I was sorely mistaken," Swearingen told Johnson. "I'm
incredibly sorry for what I did. I never thought I would be going to
jail for the weekend." Swearingen was sentenced to the three days he had
already spent in jail and ordered to pay $77 in court costs.
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Did U Know?
The abbreviation for pound, lb., comes from the astrological sign Libra.
An erythrophobe is someone who blushes easily.
The handle of a bucket or a kettle is called the bail.
A gnomon is the thing that casts a shadow on a sundial.
Illegible handwriting is known as griffonage.
Mediterranean means "middle of the world." That's what people used to
think it was.
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Wisdom Tip
Health
Risk of E. Coli is in more than your food. Uncooked hamburgers are not
the only source of the potentially lethal e.coli bacteria. The Centers
for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recently reported that petting
zoos, farms, country fairs, and other sites that allow human contact
with farm animals are a factor in the spread of the germ. Farm animals
that can carry the bacteria include goats, cows, and chickens. Those at
highest risk are children, the elderly and pregnant women. To reduce the
chance of transmission, the CDC recommends:
Avoid hand-to-mouth activities; such as eating, drinking, smoking,
chewing fingernails, or sucking on pacifiers when around petting farm
animals or when near their pens or fences.
Make sure to wash hands immediately after exposure to farm animals.
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Random Facts
(Warning --Some pretty gross information towards the end, if you like to
eat at "Mickey D's." )
McDonald's Random Facts
McDonald's was founded in California in 1940 by the McDonald brothers as
a BBQ restaurant.
The original McDonald's had a hickory pit and served barbecued beef,
ham, and pork along with chili, tamales, and peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches.
They rebranded the concept in 1948, focusing on burgers, shakes, potato
chips, and pie, and later sold the franchise to Ray Kroc.
Kroc opened his first McDonald's in Des Plaines, Illinois on April 15,
1955.
Today there are over 35,000 McDonald's restaurants in 119 countries.
The smallest McDonald's restaurant is only 492 square feet. It is in
Tokyo, Japan.
The largest McDonald's restaurant is over 28,000 square feet and is
located in Beijing.
McDonald's sells unique menus items in every country. For example:
banana pie, chicken porridge, the McLobster roll, and the McRice Burger.
In Germany, McDonald's even sells beer.
The eggs at McDonald's are really a mixture that includes eggs and an
'egg blend,' which includes a solvent found in soap and shaving cream.
It also includes dimethylpolysiloxane, a silicone that can also be found
in Silly Putty, and calcium silicate, a sealant used on roofs and
concrete.
The McRib is a product of 'restructured meat product' - or a mixture of
tripe, heart, and scalded stomach - which is then mixed with salt and
water to extract proteins from the muscle. The proteins bind all the
pork trimmings together so that it can be reshaped into a fake slab of
ribs.
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Bad News
The email simply had "Bad News" in the subject.
The first paragraph read:
Sorry to be the bearer of "Bad News", you see the bad news is that this
is the last time that I will be writing to you about this low-cost,
simple online marketing system, that actually produces money for its
marketers.
In other words, the BAD NEWS is that I was no longer going to receive
spam from this email. Yeah right!
Sometimes, what appears to be bad news really isn't bad news at all. In
the long run, it's going to be good for us although it may have a
subject that may shout it's negative effects.
Bad news isn't necessarily bad and good news isn't necessarily good.
What is necessary is your attitude about whatever news that come your
way.
If you have a good attitude about whatever news your get, then that's
good news.
~A MountainWings Original~
~From Alicia, U.S.
Thanks,
Shari!
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