One wrote: "Get me out of here - no one wears shoes."

The other wrote: "Quick, send me more inventory - everyone here needs shoes!"

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Little Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for his birthday.

"A baby brother," he said.

Later that year, his mother came home from the hospital with a baby boy. Little Johnny was delighted.

"And what would you like this year for your birthday?" his father asked.

He said, "If it isn't too uncomfortable for mother, I would like a pony."

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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

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Fact:

Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
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No Carts - Chicken Soup for the Soul: The Golf Book
BY: James Swigert

Golf is not just a game; it can save someone's life. I know it did mine. Fifteen years ago, I went through a divorce. I had married my high school sweetheart, but after nineteen years together, it was over. I was devastated.

I moved into a two-room apartment in the center of town. The place was a far cry from the four-bedroom, three-acre ranch in the country where we had been living previously.

All of my friends were married and after a while I realized I couldn't spend every day at their houses. So when I wasn't at work, I found myself sitting on a barstool. I was in the worst mental and physical shape of my life. I didn't care if I lived or died. And believe me, there were times I wished it was the latter. I was drinking heavily just to fall asleep at night.

My best friend kept trying to get me to go golfing with him. I had played football, basketball, and baseball in school and couldn't see how anyone could call golf a sport. You didn't run or jump and the uniforms were really ugly, especially the ones the older players seemed to fancy.

I had a birthday coming up. My children secretly asked my friend what I wanted. Instead of telling them what I wanted, he told my children what he thought I needed. So on my fortieth birthday, when I opened my card from the kids, out dropped a gift certificate for eighteen holes of golf at our local municipal course, cart not included. My friend and I set up a tee time and met on the day.

I kept saying, "Let's get a cart," as we made our way from the parking lot to the clubhouse, but he kept insisting we walk. I offered to pay for both of us to ride but he wouldn't budge. "But this is my birthday," I said. "What kind of present makes you lug thirty pounds on your back for six miles?" But my friend won out. We walked.

I didn't realize it at the time, but it was the best birthday present gift I could have received given my circumstances. I hit a couple of shots from 100 to 150 yards that landed within ten feet of where I was aiming. I was hooked. My friend said he hadn't seen such a look on my face in a long time. It was a mixture of surprise, excitement, and joy all rolled into one.

We finished the round and I actually had a couple of bogeys on my scorecard. Before we got back to the clubhouse, we were already making plans for our next outing.

By walking, I was getting all this fresh air in my lungs, and you know, the bag really isn't that heavy when you set it down every 100 yards or more. I found that swinging the club served two purposes. It stretched my back out so I was ready for the next haul. It also helped to beat away the stress and frustrations that life had handed me.

That night I found myself exhausted, but in a different way than the other nights when I had gone to bed at closing time. I slept like a baby, dreamt of pars.

Thanks to my friend and my children, I was introduced to the greatest sport ever invented. Yeah, that's right, I said "sport."

I truly feel that the life I was living wouldn't have lasted very long at the rate I was living it. And today I still head to the course instead of the bar.

This weekend, I'm taking my eight-year-old grandson to the course and am looking forward to that look of surprise and excitement and joy on his face when he gets a hold of one. Also the thought of him going to sleep dreaming of pars.

If you know of someone who's going through a rough time, buy them a round of golf without a cart. You might just save their life.
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