- Craig Ferguson

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"A survey found that 61 percent of people are more afraid of outliving their money than dying. The other 39 percent have already outlived their money and have faked their own death to avoid creditors."

- Jay Leno

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"A man in Colorado dropped an engagement ring down a sewer drain while proposing to his girlfriend. Up until then, his romantic proposal atop a sewer was going so well."

- Jimmy Fallon

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My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole."

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WORLD'S TOUGHEST HOROSCOPE

Aquarius

You are in big trouble, Aquarius. Watch out for Scorpio. Don't go out with Leo. Send back the Capricorn.

Pisces

Time to pick up the pieces of a failing relationship and move on, Pisces. Have some fish.

Aries

Aries, I don't like you and I never have. Kiss my butt, Aries.

Taurus

Taurus, you will go into a china shop and destroy the place. Good month to buy stocks.

Gemini

Gemini, it's like there are two of you, both boring.

Cancer

Cancer, you're a crab, a real pain in the butt.

Leo

Leo, you're the king of the jungle. Big deal.

Virgo

Virgo, what are you doing this Friday night?

Libra

Libra, sorry to wake you, but it's time you went out and finally got a job.

Scorpio

Scorpio, you have no sense of humor and are very gullible. In other words: a dumb shmuck.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius, the Archer! A lot of good a bow and arrow's gonna do you when three guys in ski masks stick a .38 in your ribs and ask for your money.

Capricorn

Capricorn, what can I say? You're nuts.

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RANDOM TIDBITS

The fear of Friday the 13th is called friggatriskaidekaphobia (Frigga being the free-spirited goddess after whom "Friday" is named and triskaidekaphobia meaning fear of the number "13").

As many as 21 million Americans are afflicted by this phobia, according to the Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute in Asheville, North Carolina.

Most tall buildings in the U.S. don't have a 13th floor while some airport terminals don't have a 13th gate.

The number was feared to such an extent even among top officials in the country that, in the 1880s, an organization called "The Thirteen Club" was created to demystify the belief that 13 people seated together at a table will die within a year of each other.

President Franklin Delano Roosevelt had an abnormal fear of the number "13." The President would never host 13 guests at a meal and refused to travel on the 13th day of any month.

The dollar bill features 13 steps on the pyramid, 13 stars above the eagle's head and in its right talon holds an olive branch with 13 leaves and 13 olives.

Source: International Business Times (www.ibtimes.com)

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Computer Maintenance

Do you change the oil and spark plugs in your car? Does your computer seem to run slower than when you bought it? Lock up often? Do you perform maintenance on your PC? If not, just like with your car, your computer will get slower, less responsive, not start or run right, and cause a lot of problems.

Think of your computer as a toy chest. You play with something and when you are done with it you toss it back in the box. Every time you do this, your "toys" get more mixed up. Eventually, if Mom and Dad don't re-sort your toys, games, and puzzles, you can't find all the parts of anything to play.

Visualize your RAM (Random Access Memory) as a hand reaching into your hard drive to pull out a program to run. If that "hand" has to look all over your hard drive for the parts to the program, it can use up all its energy just opening the program, let alone running it.

Run Maintenance on your PC (scandisk, defragment, & get rid of Temp files).
Get the speed back!

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Don’t Duck

It was a bitterly cold day and six inches of snow had fallen the night before. I was five years old and being bundled up by my Mom in front of the stove. In those days a heavy snow was no reason to cancel school. After my Mom pulled on my mittens and snapped the hood around my head I walked outside to wait for the school bus to arrive.

The snow was heavy on the old, swinging bridge that led from our house, across the river and to the main road. Me and my brothers had grown up walking across it, though, so I wasn’t scared. In fact, when I saw my ten and twelve year old brothers involved in a snowball fight on it I joined right in. After hitting my oldest brother in the back with a well thrown snowball, I laughed while he picked one up to throw back at me. I ran back to the far end of the bridge and thought I was safe, but he flung his snowball at me with all his might. In slow motion I saw the white sphere getting closer and closer. I bent down and ducked thinking it would sail harmlessly over my head. But at the last second the icy missile dropped and instead of bouncing off of my thick coat, it hit me square in the face. It stung so much that I ran crying back inside to my Mom who just shook her head and wiped off my nose, mouth, and eyes. Then she smiled, hugged me and sent me back outside to get on the bus and face life once again.

That wasn’t the last time that I tried to duck the troubles that were headed my way and got smacked in the face instead. Over the years I have learned that it is far better to not duck them at all, but rather to look them straight in the eye and learn what they have to teach me.

In truth, God uses both the good and the bad to strengthen our souls, open our hearts, and teach us the value of love in this life. And when we cry out to Him, He is always there as well to comfort us with a smile, give us a hug, and send us back out to face life once again.

~ Joseph J. Mazzella ~
[ by: Joseph J. Mazzella Copyright © 2011

   Thanks so much, Shari! I think I may have seriously injured myself laughing at those "horrorscopes"!